I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
