I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
