the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
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Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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