Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize