remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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