forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
