There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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