Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
