i wish starbucks made bloody marys
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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