i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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