phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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