Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
