Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
