i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
