just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
