I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
