Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
