Will you blow on my dice?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
