oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
whose parrot is this?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
