Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
