Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
