dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
