So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This toilet bowl is my home.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
