I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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