a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
