Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
