I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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