am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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