Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
