I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
