i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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