I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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