i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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