Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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