I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
