Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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