the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
