My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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