so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
