Even the bartender felt bad for me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
