My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
