At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
someone threw a dead crab at me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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