My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
