I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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