Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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