Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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