Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
