At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
