Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
