i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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