yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
