good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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