The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
