highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
