I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
