so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
