Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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