Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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