just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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