I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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