Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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